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That’s not what love is anyway, you can’t have love that’s settled down. It has to be bruising, exciting, painful, wonderful and…everything that I need right now. I’m alone, more alone than I’ve ever been in my life. They say love is like a drug, like the best feeling in the world times four. I think it must be more like you’re just about to commit suicide, and you jump off the cliff, ready to die…then you grow wings. That must be it. It has to save you from everything you’ve ever been afraid of and everything that could ever hurt you. I’m scared to death of something that powerful taking over my life, but I want it more than I can express. I want the poetry of it, more than anything else. It’s romantic and soul-devouring stuff. Or at least, it must be…it has to be. It’s all I believe in anymore. Aside from the life-changing and heart-crushing power of it, though, I want the small things that go along with giving your soul to another person. I want to go to sleep with somebody. One evening we were sitting around the “campus shithouse” when Angela said, “I don’t see you around any of the guys here. Do you have a boyfriend back home who’s waiting with baited breath for you return?” She grinned, but there was something behind that grin that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.“You know,” I said, “I’ve never had a boyfriend. There was this guy in high school I spent a lot of time with named John Fuller, but we were just friends.” I paused while remembering the things John and I had done then I added, “with the same interests.”“Oh,” Angela said and raised her eyebrows! “What kind of interests?”I was sorely tempted to tell her, but I didn’t want to ruin our relationship with tales of my sordid past. Instead I just said, “You know, school work and crap like that.” She nodded.One night after having coffee Angela and I were walking back toward the dorm when she reached down and took my hand. We stopped and she looked at me. I was frozen in place.“I’ve got an idea I’ve.
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